Mandy Lauman, Managing Editor of JiLTED, lives in Nashville, TN with the love of her life (yes a dog) Lexie. By day, she's a digital coordinator for radio stations. The rest of the time, she's a creative mess who lives off pasta, booze and music. She's on a mission to find the true meaning of happiness in everything.
http://www.mycloudylife.com/
http://www.mycloudylife.com/
Written: 12.20.11
I’ve been single for 54 days. No I’m not sitting here in misery counting the days of loneliness. But this was a tough break up (yeah I say that every time) and I want you to know exactly where I’m at in the healing process.
I’ve talked to countless friends and relatives, read self-help books, seen psychiatrists, written to myself, cried my eyes out….(not just this instance but through many hard times) and sure, I think it all helps immensely. But will it completely heal me and make everything magical? No. The only thing that can do that is me. Everyone in the entire universe, even Jesus, (no pun intended) can give you endless advice on finding that light at the end of the tunnel. One book I read said give it 60 days of no contact with your ex and you should feel cleansed. Well I’m almost to 60 and there’s no way I could see my ex and feel no emotion. Everyone (duh) is different. So yes, you could say I’m just another person giving advice, but mainly I’m wanting to keep my suggestions vague and share how I learned to take my own advice, and how you can too.
The first thing I was telling myself is to face my fear (mine being loneliness). Being alone can be scary. Ever since I was 14 I’ve spent the majority of my life in a relationship. Currently, this is the first time I’ve been single in 3 years. You know what’s sad? I basically forgot how to exist on my own. It became “us” instead of “me” which is fine unless you lose yourself completely. So yeah, first step for me is realizing I. Am. Alone. This is still slowly sinking in – I’m just so used to catering to someone else and always worrying about them. Each day it gets a little easier to face the day and not feel like I’ve been slapped in the face (my equivalent of waking up alone). To me, this is the hardest step because the only way to accomplish it is to simply live…aka time.
I’m not gonna sugarcoat it and guestimate for you with crap like “well if you were together for 6 months it’ll take 2 months to move on.” Everyone is different and it’s not that black and white. I can say that I officially felt good after about 4 months of healing from a 2 ½ year relationship, but also say it took double that to get over a much shorter one. Don’t go into the breakup with a time frame; there’s not one. You can’t control time; let it control you.
My next step has been accepting and embracing my emotions. You can be sad. You can be happy. You can go from extreme sadness to extreme happiness. But most importantly, I don’t care if you’re a girl, guy, transgender, alien, black, white, purple – you have the right to cry. Tears aren’t bad; they lubricate and clean the eyes, contain natural painkillers and are a great stress reliever. Can you honestly say you didn’t feel better after crying? I guess in some rare situation someone might, but I sure can’t. It puts me in a calming state. This can lead to meditation – ever tried it? I haven’t but I’m very interested and have heard great things about it. I’ll save that subject for later. Bottom line is don’t let anyone make you feel bad for the way you feel!! If you get poked with a needle, will your friend feel it? No! Having emotional support is one thing, but don’t ever suppress your feelings (ok unless you’re on a job interview or something!)
Another crucial step I found was to do activities I don’t want to do or wouldn’t normally do. Let me first clarify that I don’t mean actions you would regret….I mean things you kept yourself from doing in a relationship because you were too wrapped up in your significant other and making sure you were keeping them happy. Things you may not even realize you were keeping yourself from. I tend to isolate myself when I’m not at work, thinking if I’m not happy right now, I might as well not go out with friends because I’ll just bring them down too. Not true!!! Your friends love you and if they are real friends they KNOW you are going through a tough time and they STILL invite you out. I struggled with this for years….locking myself away when times were tough….but I eventually learned that only made me feel worse. Make yourself get off the couch, stop watching sappy romance movies, and go meet a friend for a drink. Dress up and make yourself feel sexy because you are! Do you have some distant friends you’ve been meaning to hang out with but never do? This is the perfect opportunity! Reach out and accept every opportunity to get out of the house (unless it interferes with your job!) I’ve been going out more now – not because I’m looking for someone new to hook up with, but because there’s more to life than a relationship.
One last step is accepting that the relationship is really over. If both were truly happy, I promise you, it wouldn’t have ended. At least one person did not care enough to make it work, so that should be enough of a wake up call. Even if it isn’t over forever, I am going to treat it like it is. It’s ok if this step takes you awhile – it’s extremely hard to train yourself not to want someone, but I firmly believe it can be done. The sooner you start, the sooner it will happen. My way for tackling this was to admit it out loud to myself and others. It’s all about starting that new routine in your head that is strictly about you.
Remember, I’m not telling you what you should do, because it’s different for everyone and well, no one should ever tell you what to do with your life! But I am sharing ways to help you figure out what you could do. No one knows you better than yourself. Have these steps enlightened you or taught you anything about yourself? Do you have any other suggestions? Please share—knowledge is power!
I have a strong passion for all types of art and art journaling. For me, it's a fantastic way to release my emotions: sadness, love, freedom, strength, desires, fears. The first piece I want to share with you is titled "The Heart Speaks." It's no secret that I "wear my heart on my sleeve" (yes my first tattoo was 3 black hearts on my inner wrist!) so it just makes sense to start a series based off the heart: the tangible and intangible one. I'm also a huge fan of any black/white combo, so I chose to keep it simple with that theme. I really hope to make more pieces that match this - my goal is to do a series of the heart freeing itself. Stay tuned for my "peeks inside my soul".
...and she's an artist too!
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